like no one will read it

I never experienced heartache passively, it always dragged me into a state of exertion, animating my mobility. I survived so much that I didn’t even remember. I was given the gift of bouncing back. The skill of regeneration. The Irish Curse. My dad said that if I fell in a river I would come up holding two fish.   

You took me down through tunnels of your eyes and I never emerged. Your eyes were entire oceans, alien terrains of underwater creatures, and sometimes they looked like billows of smoke, and when you were sad they melted into pools of whisky. You stuck a cord through my stomach and it felt like hundreds of roots silently drinking me away, gulp by gulp, usurping every thought and feeling I had and consuming it with malice .In the tunnels of your eyes I held my breath, and made wishes that never came true. I don't know how many bargains I made with god to keep you safe. I don't know how many bargains I made with the goddess to keep you tender. None of them worked. I did rituals to rid myself of you, a cyclical madness, my memory plays tricks and paints it all canary yellow.  Adds a poreless filter to this personal hell of my own design.

You took me down the tunnels of your blue portals,  and spat me back out. Mutilated me with your mind, until I was unrecognizable. Poisoned the secret wavelengths of psychic language that we had built, sent radiation through our private airwaves.

I hold my breath in the same way when I pass by your street. Like I'm going through a tunnel.

I can still summon you in my sleep with sudden spasms . My psychic antennae go off and flicker like violent lights. I feel your heat pulsating over me, your eyes scanning my pale skin. The last time you were in my room, I wanted you to kick off your shoes and spread me out, translucent, across the blush sea of my velvet bed. Instead you scanned my room for half an hour looking for clues. I can hear you thinking, how serious was it? Has he been here?

You lie and say you don't care and I feel it clog the airwaves between us more and more. I kept asking you where it hurt, when it was me that was hurt, collected like a commodity, rented but never owned. I don’t know where or when our spirits converged and ingested each other, but they did, and it was horrific. Our bodies clung together like warriors trying to battle the pain out of one another. Engaging in that game is a luxury that time has stolen.

My grief was quiet and discreet, the itching of an unhealed wound. dripping down my arm with a silent rhythm. It had me kissing married men with nymphal volatility. My despair and rage ran rampant, cast out nets and drove them wild with wicked enchantment, haunted by their greedy hands and fevered eyes. I wanted to be eaten alive, swallowed whole. I wanted to be vulgarised, humiliated, twirling like moon snakes through high grass and wet craves. Seduced into amnesia. Falling into a forest of hands. Wide-eyed and eager for night-cold envelopment. Eager to find the thread between freedom and death in a strangers orgasm.

I never acted on these impulses, I just stayed home and wrote about them, assured by my imagination that in another dimension I was doing it anyway. I liked my secrecy, it kept me intimate with myself. 

The earth took me back with her proudest of mountains, she took me back so forgivingly, so largely. She let me weep and ooze and scream and bleed all over her.  She always does. I have crow feathers and I fan my skin and thank it for regaining its elasticity. Sometimes I want to be made of silicone. I was given the gift of bouncing back, an elastic soul.  

Milk

He likes to drink milk, great big glass gallons of it, because he heard it builds strong bones. This both disgusts and delights me, like so many things he does. He is a perennial youth in an aging body, too easily seduced by stardom, too tricky, too wavering. Mimicking an inner chaos that terrifies and intrigues me.

The milk fucks him up and he drinks it anyway. 

He gets gag reflex when he does this, and also when he has dark thoughts. I can hear him gagging in the bathroom, because he’s thinking awful things that prick the entire surface of my skin. He infects the corners of the room with a deep dark murkiness when he does that. My body is getting lighter and I feel more and more every day. 

I am 25, eagerly retaining my wedding day body, much more likely to attend his funeral, waiting for him to return from the lower realms and wake up to the sex-crazed oracle prodigy in his bed. Waiting for him to spring out of the cradle of unconsciousness and omit proud confessions. I fantasize about force feeding him high-grade hallucinogens. 

My mind moves miles a minute and my heart beats a slow hum. I am shackled to the interior of his joyride, breaking the windshield with my heels and begging to be set free. Never of him, but the psychic nausea that protrudes out of his body. 

He is bigger in that way than he realizes. Tall soul. 

November

November has a slow burn, uncovering some lost and ominous positivity- nestled deep between velveteen layers of silence and solitude. I’ve been reeling between strange impulses and reflections, wanting to spend hours in a subterranean fairy cavern and weave cloth from the cobwebs of unfinished stories. Cementing my resolve for a greater passion, a greater love.

I’ve got one eye outward and one eye turned inward, scanning strangers for clues, reading intentions, gauging how the space between our bodies feels. Reading the air. I’ve learned to trust in my peculiar magnetism, to follow feelings, but it never occurred to me that I could be following feelings that weren’t mine.

 I am open, coated in a strange auric layer of hypersensitivity. I’ve dug deep into the worst, darkest, innermost crevices of my own soul, and spread out that messy material like thick silk- examined, plucked, trimmed and turned it around. Followed the primitive impulses that hijacked and overtook me, followed them into the void.

Regained my erotic grandiosity, my propensity to see god everywhere, my laughter. Glowing like an iridescent orgasm. Back to speaking in my native tongue, of weaving puzzle pieces together, of forming a map of this gargled, nonsensical and happily paranormal life I lead.  Ready to run into foreign domains, hair trailing behind me, like the fire of all women who are blamed for burning things to the ground. 

Ex-orcism

Have you ever been pulled underwater by someone? Have you ever been anchored so deep that you can’t see the fragments of light hitting the ocean surface, pulled so deep that you forgot what it felt like to feel the sun brush your skin? Have you ever been pulled underwater, and the disparity of terrain scarred and bruised you, battered, melded and injured you, because, in fact, you were from the stars. 

I feel like I've been missing time, like I've woken up from a foggy, lucid dream, only to find myself back where I was before him, just with a few more scars. Remembering myself from before I went under. Before I was possessed by him. Before I was possessed by his unresolved battle with women, his father's battle with woman, the hatred, the disdain, the “crazy girl” narrative. That handsome wound that had been stitched over, 8 times, prone to infection, never properly inspected. 

I treated this breakup like an exorcism, because that's what I needed, I needed the cord plucked out of my heart and the hand unclenched around my throat and the vampire he was laid to rest. I needed the words he said to me extracted like curses. The mediocre sex that left phantoms in my womb. Battling abuse is spiritual warfare.

It took two shamans to find the origin space of this strange wound, the initial tear that clotted my blood and stung my skin with a rapid drowsiness.

“What do you remember of home?” They ask,

Referring not to my family, but to a place before physical form. An ancient tribe of celestial, low density beings.

“Home? Home is pure. We love without separation, we are unified. Love doesn’t ever involve pain. Love is without condition and moves above time.”

They chanted, shaked, rattled, pulled, and tweaked my field until I emerged renewed, buzzing with a paranormal vitality. Free, Free, Free. 

I bathed in fire, rubbed myself in salt. Broke the contract, Extracted the cord.

I was told I chose my mother's lineage to break a generational curse, eons old, a story of love involving sacrifice, pain, abuse. Entertaining sickly men and swallowing our own light. Dipping down from the higher road to hold a flame behind a path of destruction, hoping, praying, begging that the abuser would turn to see the light. Begging men to choose healing over inebriation. My scars began to form a map, and through that map, I found a liberation. Not just my liberation, but my mission. It was our mission, my mother's unfinished mission, the mission of my descendants, my ancestors, my planet’s mission. 

Long reign the divine feminine.

Medicine and Myth

Under the uncut hairs of the willow tree I say my prayers to, sometimes the light will strike me in just the right place. A clandestine timeline unfolds before me, an opening, a gate.

We met teetering above an older timeline, where you were conceived. I knew you, but not like they knew you.

I recognized the markings by your right eye, I knew you like I knew myself,  knew you like the back of my hand. But you are marvelous and dangerous, and to tell you then would have been crazy, and you are surrounded by crazy.  I wanted to be something free of infection for you. You are like a magpie for good stories, with a poet's voice. Thick and heady, almost uncomfortable,like the marriage of two uncommon perfumes. 

Sometimes the light strikes me internally in just the right place, and it feels like the warm light of your body. Your memory strikes me like a step mistook in the dark. I’m told there's a cord between us, thicker than oceans of salt red blood, a peculiar stain procured before this lifetime that will last to the next. I want to see your face, I want to see your face in the flesh and not in pixels, I want to know you beyond your propped up, pedestaled halloween costume, to feel your starry internal material, to touch your supernova.  I am catapulted back to that eerie time right before the fire, where it felt as though I was intruding on the pages of a book already written. The feeling of  invisible amputation. The synchronicities and symbols animated and echoed louder than god. I know there is a loophole, a window and a gate somewhere.

What needs to grow wildly hasn’t turned you yet, but it will, because I know this story like the back of my hand, because I wrote it. 

Your name sounds like a breath, and means the same as mine.

Like Medicine and Myth.

Mars Retrograde Musings

It’s too hot in California this weekend, and the air feels burnt and stale. I can feel the reprieve of the trees, invisible groans that swallow the city in a low humming. The humidity a kind of muggy hot that makes you feel swollen all over, like sticky spoiled peaches. I wake up paralyzed and suspended mid air, exalted in pondering. Engulfed in a heated blanket of uninvited thoughts.

For me to take a walk would be dangerous, but I am doing it anyway, because I’m angry and I’m hurt. And you say I’m scary when I’m mad, so I’m blowing off my steam, letting it meld and twist into the smokey air.  I’m scared the thoughts I have of you get plucked up by celestial broadcasting towers and add static to the cord, cloud the airwaves. Further impress upon the dark electricity. 

I think about how the men have been mutating, how almost all of the warriors are gone, engorged by different propped up 2D screens, entertained into the apocalypse. Our fathers and brothers and sons serving a bottomless void of artifice, masturbating to the plummet of the earth, void of any battle.  Like numb obedient puppets, sedated. Drooling, pants down, on the conveyor belt toward the demise of the planet. 

 Forcibly leaning towards things that are artificial, simulations of things that aren’t quite the thing ,but a distorted-fun house-mirror of the thing that they are seeking. 

I’m in a defeated limbo of “what ifs”, my favorite dark game, where I let my mind wander down untouched probabilities and avenues unexplored. And I’m here, and your there, and I don’t know if I made the right choice. Maybe I am cursed with longing, with these elaborate ideas that I am always just barely out of reach of something much better for me. It's the longing that is the problem rather than the circumstance. Always daydreaming about things, stretching myself psychically. This is when the witch thing gets problematic, the kind of accidental magic that will procure an inevitable run in with a timeline I’ve built in my head. I gave up on finding a lover for purposes of longevity and security, and instead picked those with soul, lovers from alternate dimensions, whose worldview perplexed and confused me, married me to new perceptions, for however brief. Is that so selfish? 

How do you tear yourself away from someone else’s cells when you are bound together like a stiff watch, barely moving an increment apart, incapable of deciphering what feelings are yours. When you share dreams and speak in your sleep, when no conversation in your head is solitary. How do you pull the war out of a man? Can you unravel war with your thighs and your breath? Can you initiate a man without him knowing?

I’m afraid of the thoughts I have of you, you trickster spirit, full of plot twists guarded by those perpetually dilated eyes. I’m afraid you can feel them. For so long I need to hear you say it, to give us the credit, to feel you put your trust in me. There is satisfaction beyond the clinking of poker chips and ice hitting a whisky sour. Get off the conveyor belt of impulsed action, get the fuck off and smell the roses. 

We are divine and pure and real, as real as honeysuckle air, alien invasions, jittery stars, songs about longing, gnomes, two hands that feel the same, indigo dragonflies, captured frogs, waterfalls and and spaceships, and tell me everything kisses.

But then you abuse yourself and you contaminate the slither of soul I left inside of you.

Extract your own poison, build a better war. This one is tired. 

Supernatural

I have long abandoned  starvation, the counting, the calculated calories, the cyclical body checks, the brittled, broken hair and yellow fingers, the aching and the numbing hunger pains, the feeling of being air-tight, claustrophobically trapped in a house of mirrors. Empty, hollow, concave, artificial. My flesh consuming itself parasitically. Dying from embarrassment of having to occupy a physical body, ashamed to breathe, afraid it would be selfish. I was 20 when I began to eat again.

I turned 25 this year, and the gift I gave myself was getting to stay in my body. I can climb mountains and run and kick up dust, and twirl my hips like the orbits of the planets, swerving and gliding with the tides, dipping flirtatiously, clasping stars between my finger tips and dragging them to earth. I can scream curses at whistling men, fight in this dimension and beyond, throw a good punch. My body is a tapestry of adventure, a symphony of bewilderment. It carries, it captures.

 This system was designed to keep myself small, tiny, manageable, quiet. I want to overflow around it. I will be like the giant goddesses that piss out rivers and knock down kings. I don’t want to be thin. I want to be supernatural.

Encrypted Message

This is an encrypted message. This is code. I trust you’ll be smart enough to decipher it. It’s encrypted because let's be real honest, there's a few people who would love to think that I wrote this about them. I know you hate that.

When I feel scared by the intensity of a situation, I try to exercise control by making sure I have ALL the facts, and then picking and choosing who else gets to receive them. This is probably why I’m an astrologer. 

I told you, the ecosystem of my life has to be a pristine, pure kind of clockwork now. The walls of protection cannot be breached. We’re in the business of concocting miracles, in the age of the apocalypse. I’m still here, but  floating on a different layer, a new sheet of ether.  From up here, colors and shapes and sounds buzz differently, everything is alive, everything stares back. Stomping through the hills of the land of dream screens, hiking to sex rap, getting angry at artificial intelligence and wondering why everything here is backwards. Why should love ever involve pain. Why I have historically wanted to destroy things that make me feel too much.

And I do, I do, I do.  I really love you in a way that is deep and timeless, and doesn't seem to follow the Disney Princess la-de-dah bibittiy bullshit programming. It doesn’t make any linear sense. You can try to dance around it and not look at it, but I know you feel it too. Because energy doesn’t lie, even though we can- and we make lying look like a goddamn sport. 

Sometimes love has it's own clockwork, life, shape, path, whatever. And when two people don’t agree or see eye to eye, the love part sometimes doesn’t care, it just keeps going. So if our love was a plant, or a child with an adult face who knows far too much, it was told it wasn’t real. It was told that it can’t exist, and it has nowhere left to live. It looks absurd to everyone else, abstract and depleted of any nutrition. It wasn’t given enough sunlight or validation for how sacred it was- so it just sits there, stagnant, still completely absurd. 

So what do we do? We can’t buy real estate for it in outer space.  Do we let it rot, sediment, become fossilized in the peripheral?  I try to put borders around any speculation. I try not to think about it, I try to build narratives around it, I try to keep walking and talking my way away from it. I try to let it exist in the background.  I tell myself that I was just wiping the bits of myself I didn’t like, onto you, in hopes that I could fall in love with those misshapen fragments.  The ones that aren’t so beautiful. I tell myself I just poeticize the person I sleep with the most. That the architecture of how you would hurt me was built into my body long before I had a choice.  Our pain recognized each other. The pain I felt, became a messiah. A slingshot towards something higher. You were maybe just a catalyst. And there's a different untainted version of us somewhere, somewhere tropical. Where no one knows our last names. And you're diving into the ocean and I’m healing and the air isn’t poisoned, and you don’t get scared shitless when I look at you.

I know where you live, I used to live there too. You aren’t one of them though, you are one of us. I’m not interested in anything short of self revealing confessions. Your dreams are begging to be listened to, without the temporary slide into the two dimensional abyss. 

There's one coin left in this fucked up pinball machine. Don’t use it til your reflexes are ready. Don’t use it until you are lucid.