I bet you think this post is about you / by grace mcgrade


It is hard for me to separate from what is my innately romantic nature and what is the inheritance of an ideal imposed by Disney movies and the tyranny of patriarchal culture. I am afraid that I have been taught that my completion arrives in the body of another. I yearn to break free from these mythological lies, to resuscitate my imagination like a doctor of dreams, to seek a love beyond wanting to belong to or possess another. When I was younger and more malleable, easily swayed and inspired, I was insistent only on getting lost in forests of people, both dense and rigid, wild and unkempt. Letting myself disintegrate in shreds, observing from three feet above my body, like watching the erotic melancholy of ruined black silk. Through my own loss, I could keep the enchanted chambers of luminous stuff hidden, and just fall, bottomless, into another.

I refuse to perpetuate the idea that love needs to feel requited or earned or deserved to exist. Love just is. It is an impenetrable essence, and if it's real, it can never be threatened. Therefore,I have been attached to the etheric embodiment of people without their physical manifestation, fallen in love with their absence, fallen even more in love with their potential, because then they stay fairy tale creatures, and my storytelling is never exhausted.  Perhaps I will always be in varying degrees of love with people, and they will falter seamlessly into one another, departing as one loss. But, a discreet sun is tearing things open with age, reminding me that I have to make the pattern better.

I have to anchor down something real, no matter how attached I am to an invisible ideal. I don't want to exist only at night. I want to share my secrets like oysters and champagne. I want to be your mystery erotica. I want to be vulnerable like white roses. I want to know that you’ll be here, in the flesh, in your uncomfortable skin suit, to watch me unravel, no matter how long it might take.